Saturday, May 19, 2018

We Have Some Happy News

There's a new baby on the way! My daughter, Christina and her husband Ryan are expecting baby number four! Her due date is December 31st. 

Her other three children are 9 year old Camden, 4 year old Clementine, and 2 year old River. Since we lost Rob at Christmas time last year I think this will make the season a little bit brighter for us. My birthday is December 18th, we lost Rob on December 22nd, his 63rd birthday would have been on the 23rd and of course Christmas in just two days later. Perhaps the baby will come on one of those days?

This certainly changes my plans for the winter. I had just decided to head for Florida for the winter when she asked me what I'm doing in December. I've been there for all of their births and I'm not planning to miss this one so Florida will have to wait. 

On a much lower note, Murphy had an incident which required a visit to the veterinarian and some minor surgical repairs.  

We were out walking my brother's fenced property and Murphy chased an animal of some kind. Generally we see and he chases rabbits but this wasn't a rabbit. 

I believe it may have been a buck. We often see deer up on the hill behind the house and Murphy has matching puncture wounds on his inner thighs. 

The vet sedated him, cleaned the wounds and stitched them up. He has a total of 10 stitches. He's also sporting a lovely cone of shame. I'm supposed to keep him calm for two weeks. Seriously?

Lastly, Thank you! All of you have been so encouraging and kind in your comments. Some days I struggle and some days are pretty easy but I'm doing well. I guess I just want to feel normal again. Whatever that is.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Let's Talk About Fear

I'm stuck. 

I have my new home. My wonderful Airstream, Bridget. I have my tow vehicle (still unnamed). My trusty sidekick Murphy will go where I go and keep me company. But I have some crushing fears about starting over and going out on my own. 

Yes, I realize it's been almost five months since Rob passed away. I know that's not a long time in the grand scheme of things but I have to get out of this rut. 

This morning a friend posted this on Facebook.

Why can't I just move forward and live my life? What am I waiting for? Is fear stopping me? Why am I stuck in fear and not living my life?

Having lost Rob so young reminds me not to waste a minute. I feel like I'm wasting minutes... days... weeks.

To be fair, there has been a lot going on and I have legal, medical and other matters going on that can't be ignored. That doesn't mean I can't go on short trips here and there. 

The truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared to pull my new little trailer. I'm scared of damaging it or totaling it or hurting someone. This broken wrist has also amped up my fear level. This has been just awful and I have needed a ton of help from family and friends. I feel like I've gone from ultra-independent to dependent with one ugly slip and fall.

I'm also afraid I'll be bored or lonely. In truth I feel like I had been traveling alone for a long time because Rob was completely unable to help in any way and he slept a lot. I did it all and that's OK because I wanted him to enjoy the rest of his life. I wanted US to enjoy the rest of his life.

I reason with myself. I remind myself I drove the giant dually truck while pulling the 38' 5th wheel thousands of miles. I drove the 38' motorhome while pulling the car more than 18,000 miles. I backed them into campsites, I hooked up and unhooked by my self.

My reasonable self says just hook up and get moving and the fear will melt away with the miles. My fear is like trying to squish a spider. It keeps getting away and I can't seem to catch it.   

The 2018 International Airstream Rally is being held in Salem, Oregon this year in June. I was born in Salem and It's just a few hours away. I think I'll go. I may not take Bridget because it's late to get registered and space is hard to come by. But I'm going to check into my options today and see what's available. I'm hoping it will help me break the ice and get moving forward.