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Tuesday, April 24, 2018

The "W" Word

I'll never forget the first time I had to mark the Widow box on a form I was filling out. I was in Medford, Oregon standing at the counter in the urgent care center I had driven myself to after falling and breaking my wrist.

Yesterday marked four months since Rob passed away. So much has happened but things are starting to slow down now and I'm spending more time thinking and examining my feelings. I'd known it was coming for years but suddenly I'm a widow.
This picture just makes me happy.

People ask me how I am often. Emotionally I feel OK especially since the sun has started to shine more often. The thing is, I feel a little lost. Like I have no identity and no purpose. 
 
Doesn't everyone sleep with a pony in their mouth?

I also feel incredibly brain damaged. Is there an official diagnosis of Widow's Brain? I lose things all the time. I forget what I'm doing. I say inappropriate things at inappropriate times. To an extent I've done this all my life but it's worse now. 

Fortunately I'm able to laugh at myself most of the time. I lost my Kindle somewhere along this path and have never found it. I've replaced it now but I will always wonder what happened to it. Perhaps I threw it into the trash or a donation bag. I may never know.
Romping in Uncle Bruce and Aunt Suzanna's field.
I'm not writing this to complain or garner sympathy.  I'm just thinking "out-loud" about who and what I am and am not at this point in my life.

I'm not sure what to do with myself most of the time. There are things I think I'd like to do but I really don't seem to have any drive in a specific direction, no passion. I guess it's just too soon.
So many windows to look out in our new home.
After spending the last twenty years taking care of someone so important in my life to have him suddenly gone and not needing my help all the time I've been set adrift. I know it will take time to find myself and figure out how I want to spend my time.

I have lots of family nearby and I enjoy spending time with them. The thing is, I'm a single now and not part of a couple and things are so different when that happens. I had no idea.  
We planted a succulent pot yesterday.
I'm very independent and very stubborn and I know I'll be fine. I just need to find out what makes me tick now. I'm working on getting into a routine so I don't spend too much time sitting here watching TV or not showering until noon. 

With better weather comes more time outside and Murphy is loving that. We walk around the property every evening and he gets to have a good run. He's also starting to enjoy playing fetch (sometimes). 
Murphy's third birthday was yesterday. Can you believe it? 

I do plan to set out on a long trip in the fall. I haven't spent much time planning yet because I'm trying to be still and let things unfold. I'm going to have to have another surgery on my wrist before I head out because they want to remove the plate they used to stabilize the fractures. I'm not looking forward to that but I'm pleased with my recovery and my scar is looking better every day so I can't complain. 

Thanks for listening friends!
 

9 comments:

  1. You hang in there, everything will make sense when you are ready for it.

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  2. Do you have a local widow group? My BFF is finding that to be enjoyable. I sure wish you didn't feel like being left out of couple stuff. We don't think of it as a single person or an odd fit. Everyone knows that we could be that person in an instant. I'm sure they enjoy your company and want to include you. But every widow I know says the same thing. I hope today is a good day.

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    1. Flowergirl, Thank you, it was a beautiful sunny day and I spent some time outside. I'm not much of a group person but maybe I need to be. I'll see what's available in the area.
      Juley

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  3. Well Juley, I think you are on the right track. I can only imagine what you are feeling and going through. Michael and I have been married over 45 years and cannot imagine being by myself. I am glad you have Murphy there with you. Those fur babies keep us going. You do have this.

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    1. Thanks Dee! I know I'll be just fine. Murphy is seriously such a help in all of this which is why we got him in the first place. After Tucson I was so much more pressed to plan for the future without Rob. Sad but true.
      Juley

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  4. This has been such a heartfelt, soulful,REAL blog post. I can appreciate your dilemma though I'm not in that spot. I hope you find more inner tranquility to make choices. Thank you for blogging.

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    1. Thank you! Sometimes I wonder if I'm just getting way to personal but things tend to gush out sometimes when I'm writing a post.
      Juley

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  5. Juley, I so empathize with your journey thus far. I read back through your posts to last summer. You are a strong woman, for sure.

    I remember wearing a wedding ring for close to two years (sort of) but after the first six months, I had my set and the little diamond earring that were his first gift of jewelry to me made into a heart-shaped nugget pendant for me to wear. I had his wedding ring resized for my right hand.

    For me one of the biggest adjustments was realizing I had no reason to rush home from anywhere. No one to call and tell I'd be late. That felt so strange.

    I didn't get my Class C (used) until I'd been widowed two years - I needed the widow's Social Security at age 60. I loved traveling, even as an introvert.

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